Loving What Is.....
A great book by Byron Katie. I read everything she writes. And I practice what she preaches.

I had something strange happen this week. I dreamed about the man I was engaged to 4 years ago. In the dream, I had 3 white pieces of an beautiful outfit. One lace blouse, a long skirt, and a vest. I just loved the lace blouse. He and I were arguing, and I couldn't find my white clothes. I ask him where they were, he said he gave them to someone else. I was ripping mad. And I woke up. Tonight I draw these 4 cards, at random. Just to see what might show up.

If I were to give just a few words for each card here, the 3 of Pentacles : 3rd time is a charm, working at it will really fix it, try harder. The Tower : coming unglued, explosions, surprises, can you believe this? The 4 of Pentacles : I have it, I think I have all my bases covered, it's mine. The World : Walk away a winner, walk away with nothing on your back, and don't care or need it. Victory, maybe.

So, I am at Barnes and Noble, getting my book fix. I look up, and there he is. I have not seen him in years. I just dreamed about him the night before. I am really shocked. He is looking for me. He hugs me....wants me to come outside and see his little Yorkie. I go outside. We talk.....and I reach out and hug him, and say, I love you. I will always love you. And I start to cry. He tells me he loves me. And I hurry to get to a lunch appointment....and wonder what just happened. He is married now. Has it all. Has lost weight, has the dog, the skinny wife, the new house, the new car, has everything. Why look for me?

I think the cards pretty well say it all. He would have been my 3rd serious try at love. I really tried. Then I tried harder. It all fell apart. And I tried harder. And I got mad. Mad at him, mad at myself. Mad at life. It was over, I moved. I couldn't decide if I won or lost. Ever felt like that? Felt like a rollar coster ride....that would never end. And when it did, I cried, I slept, I started over. I was just numb.

When I use Katie Byrons suggestions for working through something that just keeps showing up...I go through her list of questions.

What belief am I working on? That if I would have tried even harder, I would not be single right now. Not sitting here alone. He is not alone.

Who would I be without that thought? I would be ok. I wouldn't feel guilty, or punished for not trying hard enough. I think this goes way back to my marriage of 17 years. Try 'till you die. Well, almost. So, If I turn the thought around, like Katie says, it would be....He didn't try hard enough. And how can I turn it around to myself....I didn't try hard enough....to love me, to give me what I needed. And turning it around the other way, I didn't try hard enough.....how did I not try hard enough....I didn't trust him. And turning it around again...And how did he really try? He let himself love me. He let me redecorate the kitchen (no small thing, after about a thousand fights), and he loved it. So, how has my thinking hurt me? By believing a real relationship takes enormous amounts of work, never ending, just gets more work. We were never on the same team. No wonder it was so hard. We both had the 'keep your back covered' thing going.

I feel like, what the cards say is, I really did try hard enough. And it is a happy ending. And when I seen him, I do love him. And I'm glad she is married to him. Maybe it was just closure....it was sweet. And I passed the test....! I stayed tender, and forgiving...and grateful. No small thing....! Oh, and the 3 pieces of the white outfit from the dream....I have thought about that. I really just loved the white lace blouse. The others didn't seem to match, they were just white. A blouse covers your heart....the rest weren't important, and I didn't really care to lose them. But he gave them all to someone else....another woman. I had lost my heart to him....but after seeing him the other day, my heart is ok. White, purity. My motives were pure....and he knows it. A good ending....I think.