Visiting the Dark Side.... The new Bohemian Gothic Tarot by Karen Mahony...you will love this one! A Vincent Price sort of deck.

I drew 3 cards to journal with today, got the Page of Wands, the Chariot, and the 7 of Wands.

The center card draws my attention, focus.

Setting goals, which way do I proceed, to accomplish what I want?

The seven of Wands is next, push everyone away....I have to do that to work. I really don't understand why I have to explain that issue. I have to focus, and stay centered, and feel the answers to the questions.

I guess if you think doing card readings is just, pull it out of a hat and blabber on....then it would be easy. Well, it's way more than that.

The Page of Wands is my mentor today...she is holding a little book that looks like a deck of Tarot cards! And a Wand that looks like she will whack anyone that gets in her way. Soothing music is being played by her friend in the background. No other distractions going on here.

I like what the Prophet said, 'Work is love made visible.'

I love what I do.

One thing that stands out in this layout...the front of the Chariot, the 2 women. One dark, one light. Walking the fine line of the dark side, we all do it everyday. Our shadow, always with us. Our fears, our challenges. And our friend. If you get the chance to check out this deck, do it. You will love it!

8 of Swords Day

Was taking a little break yesterday, drew one card to think about. This is the one I got. Grabbed Corrine Kenners book, Tarot Journaling, found some questions to use with this card, here is what I get....

Survey the Grounds
Not much ground here. Tied in knots. In time out. Wounded and bandaged, can't see how to get away, or where to go. At the edge, stuck, no answer's an answer. Silence. What happened and how did I get here? And how do I get away? Wait. Just wait. Help could be on the way, but I see no help today. I see nothing. The center card is from the Magna Tarot, he looks like he is in a hospital gown,his ankles are bound, the swords stabbed in the soft earth, form a barrier, he cannot walk away. He is sick, confused, looking for something, anything that may be a sign to show him the way out. Ugh, no signs. Nothing. The first card is from the Archeon Tarot. Dark blue, the blues. Yes. Left behind. Forgotten. Striped naked, tied to the stake. Let's burn her, she's a witch. Or a bitch. Or just a really smart woman, that has answers for everyone but herself. The last card is from the Tarot of Reflections. Dark, bound, fierce wind whipping her hair, her gauze coming unbound. She's coming undone. Anyone care? Anyone see? No. Very alone cards. Must be the answers are all inside of her. And she'll find them. As she waits. Cries. Prays.

The Safe Haven
If this was a safe haven, even though it doesn't look like it from here....how would it be safe? I see no one around to torture her anymore. They have left. Moved on to find another person to hurt. Safe. I love that word. It says you can sleep, you are being watched over, maybe by Angels, yes, by Angels. Haven, heaven, sort of. A place of suffering, transformed into a place of peace. Strangely. And you don't know how. It just happened. While you slept. You can't do much from this place of being stuck. So, just go to sleep. Stop trying to fix it, think your way out of it. Just do nothing.

My take on the Swords, is they have no timing. It's a mental thing. A choice. Or a double edged sword. Or pile of them. Nothing is happening here. Except going inward. Processing, praying. Waiting. Help could be on the way, or not. The good news is her tormentor is gone. She is bandaged, that has to have been done by someone other than herself. A friend, a kind person to listen to her. Care.

Just another day in paradise. This too shall pass.

My dream last night...

I dreamed last night, I was walking down a hall, narrow, and an empty comforter and empty pillow sham fell from up above me. I picked them up, and walked on, holding onto them. I was in a line of girls, we were being 'shown' the way to go. We were in this big room, 'they' were telling me where I could sleep. There were wide steps, and a woman/girl was on each one. I could see no place for me to go. I didn't fit in anywhere. She said...go up there, and find a place. I walked as far as I could. There was no spot for me. So, I just laid down, right there in the corner. I fell between a crack in the floor and the wall. I was scared, but before I could get out, the 2 walls of the house smiled, and the Big house hugged me, the house was holding me.

When I interpret dreams, on Keen or otherwise, this is how I do it. I go back into the symbols of the dream, look at what stands out. Then I see a story of what the dream is saying, in the language of symbols. I will show you here....

I dreamed last night, I was walking down a hall, narrow, and
walking, going somewhere, down-inner chambers, the hall, a place many doors may seem closed, but can open. Narrow, hard, feeling pressured, squeezed.
a empty comforter and empty pillow sham fell from up above
empty, nothing left, sad comfort, and empty pillow, a sham, not what it appears. Fall to me, I grab them, hold onto them. Keep on going...
me. I picked them up, and walked on, holding onto them. I was
many females are here with me, others are showing us the way
in a line of girls, we were being 'shown' the way to go. We
to go, we all end up in the same place.
were in this big room, and they were telling me where I could
who is telling me? Should I be listening to them? I don't know.
sleep. There were wide steps, and a girl/woman was on each
sleep, rest, shut up. Wide steps, each one had someone on that step. I could see women on every step.
one. I could see no place for me to go. I didn't fit in
What step do I belong on? I could see no place for me to go, I don't belong here, I should be married, with a family. I was a good wife, good mother. I don't fit in this single scene. I don't know where to go to get out of this place, where is the door? I keep listening for direction, and it seems to keep getting worse. Sadder. Empty. Help me.
anywhere. She said, go up there, and find a place. I walked
go up, higher, reach higher, just go. Find a place, any place. Doesn't really matter.
as far as I could, there was no spot for me. So, I just laid
I have gone as far as I can, and find no spot for myself. Exhausted, I just laid down, gave up.
down, right there in the corner. I fell between a crack in
fell between the cracks, how funny. cracks on the floor, couldn't get much lower, really. and against the wall, I am against the wall. Or I have the wall, a really high one. That seems to be the only sure thing I have, is the wall.
the floor, and the wall. I was scared, but before I could get
I am scared, this is not where I thought I would be. Ever.
out, the 2 walls of the house smiled, and the Big house
before I get out of where I am, 2 of the walls smile. A really big sweet smile. Like this is all so funny, and not what I think it is. It is a big house, I cannot see all of it. Maybe the walls know more than I do.
hugged me. The house was holding me.
They hug me, hold me through the night. The house is there for me. It holds me.

Last Saturday was my birthday. I went out for a late lunch with Julie, one of my best friends. I come home, worked on Keen. Am feeling sorry for myself, wish I was out with a big hunky man, celebrating this passage of my life. I have to practice saying how old I am, it's not coming easy this year. But, no date, I am home alone. I go to sleep about midnight. 3:30 in the morning, a neighbor,Pat, beats on my door, 'the apartments are on fire' she screams. I open my door to see about 12 fire trucks, red flashing lights, right in front of me, and thick black smoke everywhere. 2 units, (cold terms for 2 small homes of someone I have waved at while getting my mail) are burning. A furnace caught fire. Just an accident. Could happen to anyone. We are all sent away for the rest of the night/day, all power and gas lines are shut off. Go somewhere. Come back later. I am standing in the parking lot, in the strangest outfit,( try grabbing clothes in utter panic, dressing while you assess what you should grab, may never see again, and run down the stairs at the same time.) Almost funny. But not. I go have coffee, and wait awhile, where can I go at 4 in the morning? I finally call Meme, a friend,and ask to go there, feels rather humbling. Is humbling. My daughter Anna says, you should move, now. Today. I cannot. Yet, I am afraid. And I hate being afraid. I think this event triggered my dream.

For every one that calls me for readings, and is alone, searching for the love of their life, I am there with you. My dream says I have listened to every voice that tells me how to do it. I am in a huge group of women, at every step of the journey, and I can't even find a place I belong, being single. I am so utterly discouraged. Tired. I decided to stop dating, if you could call it that. I call it being rejected by men you would not even really 'normally' consider dating. And what self esteem you might have a shred of left, gets pummeled into nothing. Hence, just find a corner and lay down. Give up. I painted my sewing room, and my bedroom. Am working on the rest of the walls. Ah, the walls! I am decorating my WALLS! But, my walls seem to be the only thing protecting me, they actually are smiling at me, happy to be painted, and decorated. They are holding me. I had spent a fortune on a silky comforter and pillow shams. Painted the bedroom walls, and the colors hated each other. Sold the whole bedding set on Ebay. Bought another set. Don't know if I like it or not. But I love the wall color. Reminds me of my favorite lipstick color, a rich burgundy. Very girl-y. The expensive bedding brought only 'empty' feelings. No one to share it with. Small or no comfort. Painting my walls seems to be making sense. And get this, I live in the corner, of the big apartment building. 2 walls are where I sleep, in the corner. Those 2 walls hold me at night. Even in the fire, I was safe.

And so are you.

If you ever want to know what your dreams are telling you, call me. It can be fun decoding them. Or profound. I think I'll finish painting all my walls. See what else they say in the next dream.

The Universal Fantasy Tarot....I love it. Sci-fi images...vibrant colors. My kind of deck. The cards I randomly drew are 7 of Swords, King of Cups, and the Hierophant.

First I draw one card....but I can't stop at one, so I pick 2 more. I need them to tell me what the first card is saying. I am doing the 3 kinds of reading, best, worst, and spiritual. Humor me, I like to see how much I can glean from each set of cards. I think I have an overactive mind, some people call it ADD, and one guy even called it, a steel trap. Ha, I don't think he meant that as a compliment. Whatever. On to the story....

Best News: Once upon a time....this guy is on a quest. He sees all kinds of challenges around it, but he is more than up for it. He has a goal, is listening to God, knows this is the thing to do, just not sure how he will do it. But, his heart is in the right place, and he is a man of faith. Sort of like David, fighting the giant. He can to it, just let him try. His faith is big...!

Worst News: Look at that river, he'll never be able to cross it. And that shield, what will that protect? Looks pretty, and shiny, and the banner waving through the air, he has a mission. Being that King of Cups is sitting there, meditating, me might have got the idea this was something God required as a test of faith. A 'how much do you love me' thing. But guess what, read about Grace. Trust in the person he prays to, and stop trying so hard to prove who he is. Who is he trying to impress, anyway. Looks like between the raging river, the dragons surrounding the craggy castle, and the stormy dark skies, he needs to just wait on further instruction. Go back to the center card, pray. Get focused. This could be a spiritual battle, or something he needs to fight with other ammo. Just wait, you don't have all the info yet.

Spiritual : 3 stages of being. Young and eager, ready to take on anything. Mature, confident, in touch with your feelings, and relaxed. Just go with the flow....see the sailboat in the background. A wise man. From the path he has taken, he is now a guide for others. He sits on a grand throne, and has a beautiful armor protecting his body. He also has a picture of a woman he gazes on. He has found his inspiration, and honors it. He has faith, chooses his battles well. Wonder it this man is free Friday night, looks like my kind of man. Yes!

This is a picture of my Aunt Roberta, when she was just a young girl. She died yesterday. A devout Christian, and I mean strict Pentecostal. Is no doubt, very happy in her new heavenly home. She was the kindest mother, wife and aunt. We are all here for such a brief time....but not forgotten (for good or bad, and in our family we never forget any little detail.) My, well disciplined children, would to steal popsicles out of her deep freeze on the back porch. I think she kept it full of popsicles for all the neighbor kids to get into. I love you.
Linda

This chic adorns the wall in my living room. She holds a book, like a little High Priestess! I was playing with my camera, and loved this shot. She looks soft, defenseless. Gentle. I usually draw Tarot cards, jot down whatever comes to mind...but tonight I am using some pictures from my home, as my prompts. Her calm face reminds me, it will all be ok. Wait. Just wait.

And these beautiful yellow flowers, a gift from my grandson Avery. I had a rough day....he was so sweet to think about me. Would this be the Sun Card? The colors. Red and gold and yellow. Yeah. This did make me happy. I know I 'read' cards, but really the symbols are all around. Just look.

The World Card? Angels, books full of words of knowledge.Is it finished, or is it just starting over again? I love how the word 'miracle' stands out....I really lean on that, hard. Every day.

Loving What Is.....
A great book by Byron Katie. I read everything she writes. And I practice what she preaches.

I had something strange happen this week. I dreamed about the man I was engaged to 4 years ago. In the dream, I had 3 white pieces of an beautiful outfit. One lace blouse, a long skirt, and a vest. I just loved the lace blouse. He and I were arguing, and I couldn't find my white clothes. I ask him where they were, he said he gave them to someone else. I was ripping mad. And I woke up. Tonight I draw these 4 cards, at random. Just to see what might show up.

If I were to give just a few words for each card here, the 3 of Pentacles : 3rd time is a charm, working at it will really fix it, try harder. The Tower : coming unglued, explosions, surprises, can you believe this? The 4 of Pentacles : I have it, I think I have all my bases covered, it's mine. The World : Walk away a winner, walk away with nothing on your back, and don't care or need it. Victory, maybe.

So, I am at Barnes and Noble, getting my book fix. I look up, and there he is. I have not seen him in years. I just dreamed about him the night before. I am really shocked. He is looking for me. He hugs me....wants me to come outside and see his little Yorkie. I go outside. We talk.....and I reach out and hug him, and say, I love you. I will always love you. And I start to cry. He tells me he loves me. And I hurry to get to a lunch appointment....and wonder what just happened. He is married now. Has it all. Has lost weight, has the dog, the skinny wife, the new house, the new car, has everything. Why look for me?

I think the cards pretty well say it all. He would have been my 3rd serious try at love. I really tried. Then I tried harder. It all fell apart. And I tried harder. And I got mad. Mad at him, mad at myself. Mad at life. It was over, I moved. I couldn't decide if I won or lost. Ever felt like that? Felt like a rollar coster ride....that would never end. And when it did, I cried, I slept, I started over. I was just numb.

When I use Katie Byrons suggestions for working through something that just keeps showing up...I go through her list of questions.

What belief am I working on? That if I would have tried even harder, I would not be single right now. Not sitting here alone. He is not alone.

Who would I be without that thought? I would be ok. I wouldn't feel guilty, or punished for not trying hard enough. I think this goes way back to my marriage of 17 years. Try 'till you die. Well, almost. So, If I turn the thought around, like Katie says, it would be....He didn't try hard enough. And how can I turn it around to myself....I didn't try hard enough....to love me, to give me what I needed. And turning it around the other way, I didn't try hard enough.....how did I not try hard enough....I didn't trust him. And turning it around again...And how did he really try? He let himself love me. He let me redecorate the kitchen (no small thing, after about a thousand fights), and he loved it. So, how has my thinking hurt me? By believing a real relationship takes enormous amounts of work, never ending, just gets more work. We were never on the same team. No wonder it was so hard. We both had the 'keep your back covered' thing going.

I feel like, what the cards say is, I really did try hard enough. And it is a happy ending. And when I seen him, I do love him. And I'm glad she is married to him. Maybe it was just closure....it was sweet. And I passed the test....! I stayed tender, and forgiving...and grateful. No small thing....! Oh, and the 3 pieces of the white outfit from the dream....I have thought about that. I really just loved the white lace blouse. The others didn't seem to match, they were just white. A blouse covers your heart....the rest weren't important, and I didn't really care to lose them. But he gave them all to someone else....another woman. I had lost my heart to him....but after seeing him the other day, my heart is ok. White, purity. My motives were pure....and he knows it. A good ending....I think.

What's up with this horrible weather? 67

Tornadoes? And the Oracle says.....

3 of Wands, Justice, 10 of Wands, and today I am adding up the numbers on the cards, and using the book, 'Numerology, the Divine Triangle' by Javine and Bunker. The number is 25, The Knight of Wands.

Justice sits in the center of the cards, she is the 'cause and effect' energy. She is the one to make tough choices, the baby in front of her is from the Bible, when King Solomon was to make the decision about which lady really was the mother of the baby. He chose to cut the child in half, giving each half the child. The real mother said, NO. Just give the baby to her. He did this knowing only the real mother would sacrfice what she wanted, for the life of her baby. He gave the baby to the real mother. On the first card, I see someone pondering the smoke from the fire, and the images in the smoke, 3 wands appear. 3 elements are at work here, creating this wierd weather. The last card, the 10 of wands, a man stuggles to get home, he carrys too much of a load, and it is smoking, too. Smoking.....that seems to be the match on the cards. Can the smoke, the pollution, the too much crap in the air, be effecting out weather patterns? Justice would say,you did it,now deal with it. The hidden card, number 25/7, is the Knight of Wands. Another fire card. 'Change of residence, trials, health, success after difficulty. You may experience trials and difficulties which make you draw on your energy reserves.He presides over the spring season, this time of year you gain strength by mastering obstacles. There can be difficulties you struggle to meet, but you preserve through hard work.'

On a personal level, I say we are in the global warming phase, 3 things we are doing to our environment are causing these horrible storms. We cannot keep crapping in our nest. Or we cannot live there anymore. And Mother Nature is angry. A Divine Anger. Clean up the stuff, the smoke, the trash, respect the land. And each other. Or, face the Judge....Justice. I pray for every family that last nights storms effected. Love each other, protect each other. Help get our planet clean again. We all are responsible. In the meantime, do what you can to help the ones that are homeless and starting over. It could be you, next week.

The Superbowl, today!

Just for fun I drew cards on which team will win the Superbowl today. Here is what the cards say....

These are the cards for the New England Patriots....

I drew 4 cards, one for each quarter, 5 of Swords, 2 of Swords,

Hierophant, 7 of Wands. I also drew an outcome card for the end of

the game, I got the Hermit.

Looks like they start off slow, then they tie with the other team. 3rd quarter, something major happens, that seems to be the most important quarter. They hold the Giants at bay....they are very wise and they win. My money is on them today.

The New York Giants.....

This is strange....twice I scanned these cards, as the first time I laid them out, they were in the opposite order. But each time I scanned them, this is how they appeared....so I am leaving them in this order.

7 of Pentacles, Knight of Swords, Nine of Wands, and the Page of Wands. The outcome card is the 4 of Swords.

They start off good, fierce, really showing their stuff. In the 3rd

quarter, they struggle. They try to regain their poper, but it's

weak. They end with the 4 of Swords. Quiet and flat. I do not

see them winning today. I am posting this now...so I can

watch the game and see what the results are. Here is the

outcome card.....

While I was doing these cards, the 2 of Cups card fell out, so I think

this will be an entertaining, close game. Watch it....! I am.

Questions.....I love questions. And answers. Maybe that's why I love to play with the Tarot. This is the Universal Fantasy Tarot, by Paolo Martinello. Love the art. From the writing prompts in Corrine Kenners book on Tarot Journaling, here are 3 cards that answer 3 questions I ask myself, as I wait on my girlfriend to get here to go have lunch....

I am The 4 of Cups....if I could change anything about myself, it would be:

Being afraid to grab what life offers me, run with it. This caution comes from hitting the wall. As getting 'mature' teaches you many things, caution can be healthy. But, in this card, this person is timid, afraid, not seeing the fantastic offer the Angel is holding, right in sight. I want to be aware, today of what I may not be seeing. Look closer. Be fearless....

I am The 2 of Wands.....I often fantasize about: going exotic places. Travel. I have the Webshots screensaver on my computer, I love it. I have Italy, Greece, beaches...castles...forests...

I believe this is just a season in my life. Maybe a season of rebuilding...nesting. I am so ready to go somewhere...In my notebook of goals, I have pictures of all the places I want to go. I have the camera's ready. One of my girlfriends just got back from a cruise, I was so jealous. This year, I will post my own cruise pictures...hide and watch. The person in this card embraces his choices. And he magnifies his options. He gets it in detail. Has a plan. Do this, or this. But, do something. Stop thinking about it, just do it.

I am The Judgement Card....when I look back on my life, what I am proud of....

The things I have created that I can pass on to my children. And that isn't just quilts, or scrapbooks. That is going through a bad divorce, and still saying I love my kid's dad, and mean it. It is moving to a strange town, knowing no one, and getting a job, getting a life. Getting faith back. Falling in love, and not regretting it. Losing things that I cried over, and still believeing life will

bring back to you what you love, and more. In this card, the Phoenix rises,

and flies boldly. The flowers open, exactly when they are supposed

to. Peeling back the petals and forcing them to open, when I want, kills them. Just trust. What goes around, does come back around. Every day, a gift. I read the Four Agreements...I live it. No regrets. Just honest, authentic choices. And laugh alot. That helps. Find one thing a day I am proud I did. That day.

I laid out 3 cards this morning...

Out of these 3, the middle card stands out, I want to know more about what it says. It seems to be the one with the most action going on...so. I go find my new book by Chic Cicero & Sandra Tabatha Cicero. 'Tarot Talismans.' Just filled with the coolest tidbits on the Tarot. I grab some other decks, out of my huge stash, and scan 3 other 8 of Cups cards. Then I grab one of my favorite translations of the Bible (have stacks of Bibles, too), the New Century Version. And I look up the scripture that goes with this card. How cool. I love digging deep in the layers of meaning....and seeing what images show up from the other decks, that inspire me to understand what else this might say. I know I have 3 random cards drawn, but I want to just play with this one for now.

Key words: Abandoned success, neglect. Saturn in Pisces 1 degree to 10 degrees. Hey. I am a Pisces....is there a theme here...The 43rd

Angel, Vuliah, whose title means 'king and ruler' is the Angel of this card by day. Psalms 88:13....'but Lord, I have called out to you for help, every morning I pray to you. Why do you reject me? Why do you hide from me?'

Can you feel the sadness of this person? Can you see how dark, and bleak their surroundings are? How alone they feel? Even God is far away....and silent. This terrain is harsh, like a foreign land, with no map. Only the light of the moon to show the way...and it appears slippery, cold, sad. Those cups standing in the front of the picture, what are they? They are things that once held love, joy, happiness. Now still. Empty. All in the past.

The Angel of this card by night, is Yelahiah. the 44th Angel, whose title means 'abiding forever.' 44, that number keeps showing up all around me. Yesterday I drew it in the I-Ching. Accident? No. It warned me to stay away from temptation...ok.

With this Angel, the scripture they refer to is Psalms 119:108. I included the 105 verse to the 108th verse....'By your words I can see where I'm going; they throw a beam of light on my dark path. I've committed myself and I'll never turn back from living by your righteous order. Everything's falling apart on me, God; put me together again with your Word. Festoon me with your finest sayings, God, teach me your holy rules.' the messge translation.

Looks like one of those days when you're in time out. And nothing you do will change anything. Just shut up, get alone, pray. I pulled 3 other 8 of Cups cards from other decks, here they are. In the first, she just peers out the door, all the cups are spilled. Dark and sad. She appears to be just barely holding on, the wall. She hit the wall. The second card, his man has had to let go of something that seemed precious to him. His hands are open, his face sad. The tiny person flying away, is explaining this plan to him, but even with all the money he has filling up his golden cups, he is helpless to stop this from happening. Let go. The third card, she is wrapped with a covering, protecting herself from the falling cups. She cannot grab anything and save it. Just sadly let it fall away.

If this was me in the card, and it has been me, I'd really try to believe whatever lies on the other side of that path, even unseen right now, MUST me something really, really good. It's night, in most of the cards. Night can be the hardest time to be alone, facing all the demons that daylight keeps away. Maybe this is a, just sit with the sadness, and let it flow through you. Let it have it's way. Cry, write, pray, eat. Take a nap. You can't do much today. But, maybe that's where you are supposed to be. Just feel it. And let it go.

Someone I used to love, (what a phrase) called me the other night. Temptation. But, instead of thinking, hey, this just might work this time....I sadly said no. And just keep on going....let go. I have looked in every friggin' cup that shows up here, and nothing is left. Nice to know I am still in his thoughts. But that's pretty vague. And still pretty nothing. Maybe this is just a test...wait...wait. The next card in the lineup of the Cups, is the 9 of Cups, getting your hearts desire. My take on this is, don't just go back and try to fix the mess. Let go. Over the hill is what I really want. Just can't see that right now.

bye....

Just for today....

Drew 3 cards from The Goddess Tarot, one more flipped out. Like, don't forget me! What do I see? Judgement, 4 of Swords, Strength, and the latest addition, the 5 of Pentacles.

'You may be making decisions that feel right, stop and rest. Being strong, pushing, forcing, just doesn't work. Relax. I can see this as a power stuggle, and try harder. Or just enjoy the ice/snow and wait....'

The cards have a way of cutting to the core of the question. My question is why nothing seems to be coming together, with redoing my bedroom. I am changing the colors, the furniture. Everything. First, can't get rid of the furniture...then what I get, isn't what I really want. The paint still sits in the paintcan, the ladder I borrowed isn't here yet. I have a miserable cold and am really whiney today. So, stop. It'll all get done and I shall love it. In time....

The Fool. Using Corrine Kenners book, 'Tarot Journaling', I am on page 100. The writing prompt I am using is....The road not taken.

What was a choice, I opted not to take, that would have been a crucial turning point in my life. If I could turn back time....would I make the same choice? I drew one card to journal on tonight. The Fool. Maybe I was the Fool. Maybe it worked out just the way it was meant to be.

I had graduated from high school, was engaged to the cutest boy, Johnny. I was going to Kansas City to stay with my mother. Johnny was working in St. Louis at Grayhound. We had planned an April wedding, this was May. I already had the dresses designed, the colors, the flowers, my dream wedding. While at my Mothers, she comments that I could go to LA, my grandmother Evelyn lived there. She was an International Fabric Consultant. Worked for businesses that supplied fabrics to all the designing houses. I could stay with her, go to Design School, be the next Vera Wang. My dream come true. What choice do I pick? I came from a very broken home, Johnny was my highschool sweetheart. He was shy, quiet, funny. And had a huge family that rivaled the Waltons. I wanted so much to be part of that family. I wanted baby's, and home of my very own, and this man to share it with. And I wanted Johnny to want to marry me. He seemed on the edge about it all...most men are. April seemed a safe distance away...marriage sounded so final.

I stay in Kansas City for a month, he missed me dearly. One night he said, come home and we will get married next week. Married, like in his mom's living room, with about 4 people there. A tiny cake, a simple white dress I had worn for graduation. No music, one tiny bouquet of yellow roses, just enough to cover my tiny white Bible. What about the plans for the wedding? What about time to think about what I wanted to do, go to LA, or go back to the country and have my husband and home. I chose the husband and home. I so wanted to be the famous designer, and in many ways have done it. Maybe there are many paths to the same goal. I have sewn for famous people, I have seen half the Branson stars in there underwear, doing fittings for their glitzy costumes. Maybe the path not taken was the path that would have brought me fame and fortune. I will never really know. I do know this....when I looked in the precious faces of each of our 3 babies, I knew I made the right choice. And when I stitch up the Spiderman costume my tiny grandson David wears daily (and I mean daily) and see his face light up, I made the right choice. I think life is learning to find sweet moments that are around me daily. I notice, I am grateful. Last friday night, I had both my grandsons here, a part of me wished I was out on a date with some big hunky man....but when little David crawled in my lap, wrapped his tiny arms around me, his eyes full of love and laughter.....there was no place I would rather have been.

I think we make the best choices we can, at the time we make them. And it all works out. Being the Fool Card can mean taking the chance and trusting, when you leap, you will land exactly where you are meant to be. I think so.

This is the Best, Worst, & Spiritual Interpretation of the Tarot. I love this deck, the Golden Tarot of Klimt. His art work is so descriptive, very edgy. The three cards I drew were....

Death

9 of Cups

Ace of Swords

Best......Stop longing for what you desire. Your wish is already attained, right in front of you. Open the door....

Worst......Hopeless and defeated, you give up. What you long for seems just out of reach. You give up, and what you want is just about yours....but you notice it not.

Spiritual.....Stop praying for what you think you don't have. Your prayer is already answered. Visualize having it. Feel it. Focus on it. Your waiting is over...act like it.

This is a fun way to see different aspects of your readings. Play with your cards....and maybe all the interpretations are right. Have fun with it....Linda

Tarot Poetry

2 of Cups....kiss

3 Cups....grace

Ace of Swords....one

King of Pentacles....treasure

Kiss me goodnight, every night, forever

Grace is the gift you are to me

The sweetest place is in your arms

One, we are.

I treasure you.

Who you are and where you are, I know not.

I just believe you are.

linda

Why?

'Mall gunman called quiet and depressed
A high school dropout with a criminal past, Robert A. Hawkins had struggled to overcome depression. But friends thought he was making strides.
Then, about two weeks ago, he lost his girlfriend. A week later, it was his job. His friends worried he would regress.
"He was a very helpful young man, but he was quiet," said Debora Maruca-Kovac, a surgical nurse whose family took in Hawkins after her 17- and 19-year-old sons befriended him.
"He didn't cause a lot of trouble. He tried to help out all the time," Maruca-Kovac said. "He was very thankful for everything. He wasn't a violent person at all."
But Maruca-Kovac said she saw nothing foreshadowing the horror Hawkins would inflict during his last moments alive. She remembered a gentle young man who loved animals. But she had a feeling of despair soon after she learned about Wednesday shootings. By then, she had learned of a suicide note that Hawkins had left behind.
"I had a feeling it could be him," she said.
She told The Associated Press that she and her husband let Hawkins stay with them after he was kicked out of his family's house. She would not say why his family had kicked him out, but court records show that at least once he was termed a ward of the state, which legally removed him from his parents' custody.
With Hawkins living in her home, Maruca-Kovac could see he had a drinking problem and was an occasional marijuana smoker. He enjoyed music and video games — "normal teenager stuff," she said.
"He was depressed, and he had always been depressed," Maruca-Kovac said. "But he looked like was getting better."
Hawkins had earned a GED after dropping out of Papillion-La Vista High School. He got a driver's license after moving in with the Maruca-Kovacs and five months ago started working at a McDonald's restaurant near their raised ranch-style home in a middle-class neighborhood in Bellevue, Maruca-Kovac said.
Hawkins lived with several friends for a couple days at a time before landing at Maruca-Kovac's house last year, she said.
"He was like a lost pound puppy that nobody wanted," she said. "I felt sorry for him. I let him stay, and we tried to get him on his feet."
In the note, which was turned over to authorities, Hawkins wrote that he was "sorry for everything" and would not be a burden on his family anymore.
"Now I'll be famous," he wrote.
Maruca-Kovac went to the medical center, where victims of the shooting soon began to arrive.'

As I watched in horror the news, this story makes me ripping mad. I know he violently killed 9 people and physically hurt many others, mentally he irrevocably damaged everyone in the mall. Does ANYONE SEE WHY? Hurt people, hurt people.

The damage of being, not just feeling, but really being unwanted. Losing what you love. Over and over. Living in someone else's home, being grateful for them letting you have a couch to sleep on. This morning on the news, they were interviewing the lady he had been living with, and they ask her, 'do you think you did enough to try to help him?' She apologetically said, 'I guess not. Look at what happened.' What the hell? She opened her home, listened to him, was one person that DID something. Where is his family? Where are the Christians at? Where are the Spiritually evolved people that are supposed to be here to ease the suffering on this insane planet? He was quiet, because he stopped talking. NO ONE WAS LISTENING. What is wrong with people. He wanted to be remembered. He wanted what we all want, someone to want us, to love us, to LISTEN to us. And really hear us. His family, girlfriend, workplace, life, didn't want him. WERE NOT LISTENING. I drew one card about, Why? Why did he do this? The Justice Card. He executed his own justice. And his own death. Even now, they're not counting him among the dead. Why? He died too. And left a brutal gash in the homes and lives of innocent shoppers at that mall. Ironic, people shopping for gifts for other people they love. Merry Christmas. He didn't FEEL loved or WANTED. He was screaming for help, for someone to know him. To just remember him, love him. Well, now they'll remember him. How horrible. 'ye have ears, but you do not hear.' someone named Jesus said this. anybody remember him?

I love using Corrine Kenners' book, 'Tarot Journaling' for new ways to play with the Tarot. This morning, I am using 4 questions from page 144, get into the character. I drew this card randomly, He is the King of Pentacles.

I am the King of Pentacles. You would never guess it by looking at me, but.....I look like I have it all together, but I really don't. My stuff is what I hide behind. And I have alot of stuff. If that stuff shows the world, how successful I am, then I have it all. But not really. Do you see a lady by me, here? Or adoring children? No. You see fields of crops, more money, more work. Both of my hands are full, of more stuff. My eyes are looking to the past, somewhere back there I had something worth more than money. And I chose the money. How regal, I look, and strong. What a great actor I am. My stuff doesn't keep me warm at night.

I am the King of Pentacles, when I look back on my life I am ashamed about...the choices I made. About thinking this was all there is to attain, money, property, stuff. I am ashamed I didn't share more of it with people that needed it. I just piled it up all around me, and worshiped it.

I am the King of Pentacles, you need me because....you think with your heart, and aren't the most practical person. Someone has to be practical and plan for a secure future. You live by the seat of you pants, and just flit through life. Get serious, have a financial plan, where will you be in 5 years?

I am the King of Pentacles, I have a secret. It is....I really do care about other people. I take care of them, but behind the scenes. I don't want anyone to know I have a soft side. I seem gruff and stern, but the reason I try so hard to have this stuff, well, to enjoy it, but also to later give it away. When I don't need it anymore, I will surprise you who I give it to. And you'll find out I did have a tender heart, instead of a cold calculating, cash register ticking inside my proud chest. Maybe I needed the stuff to fill a empty place inside me? Please, look beyond what you see, look deeper. The stuff is the wall I hide behind.

The essence of us, humans, is love. How in the world we get this so messed up, I have no clue. But if you just watch the craziest of us doing the stupidest things, it's all a cry for love. Just give people what they want, sounds easy. Not.

I have a friend who is this guy. He looks like he has it all. And he really has nothing of spiritual value. Lets no one get really close to him, they might want his stuff. I actually feel sorry for him. Maybe there's always hope, as long as there's life. I am going through my stuff, and cleaning-giving-simplifing my life. Only keeping what I love.

This card is a great card to get, if you need money, or help getting money. He's all about land, investments, stock market, stuff. If he just doesn't lose the gift of sharing. Maybe his gift of manifesting money, is a gift, to help those that aren't there yet. So, that's his lesson. Share.

Poetry in Motion

Taking one word that describes each card, I write a poem that includes those words. These 4 cards are the 3 of Swords, the Star, the 6 of Swords, and the 10 of Wands.

'pierce, perfect, passing, protect'

Pierce me,

I'll wear the scars proudly.

So,what if perfect beauty

is not perfect?

To pass on the wounds,

may seem the best choice.

Yet, to protect my heart from pain,

I really never live.

the wounds of life are Art.

Ask to be made beautiful....

Linda

I love Journaling with the cards. Today, I randomly drew the 2 of Cups. Great card to play with. Using the 'Alphabet Soup' idea, I write out 26 things I see here. 26 ideas/images to look at.

a.alter, both cups rest on a table, or an alter. In matters of the heart, most of the time if feels like what you long for is unreachable. Laying it on the alter, is surrendering to what you want, letting the one you love, choose you, or not.

b. beloved, seeing a vision of fantastic things in the one you adore. I believe it's called 'rose colored glasses.'

c. consistent, holding true to what your heart seeks.

d.desire, how you feel every time you think of this person.

e. ethereal, heavenly emotions. So fragile you dare not tell anyone how you feel.

f. fantasy, your dream lover, in living color.

g. gallant, brave, fearless in the face of love. No, 'well, I gotta think about this, be getting back to you sometime.'

h. healing, a safe place to bare your ripped up, scarred soul.

i. inspiration, a reason to lose those last 10 pounds, a reason to dance again.

j. jitters, that feeling you have in your tummy when he calls. And to be with him in person, wow.

k. kiss, cannot wait to kiss him. Talking without talking.

l. longing, they see each other, but there seems to be something keeping them apart.

m. musing, daydreaming about him. Your thoughts leading you far away from the work right in front of you, waiting to be done.

n. notice, someone that has your full attention.

o. overcome, usually there will be obstacles to work through. But how sweet to have him by your side working through it together.

p. passion, that sweep you off your feet feeling....

q. quest, the game, the anticipation of seeing that person again, and again.

r. ready, the place you both need to be, to have this really work.

s. selfless, loving them more than yourself. They are you.

t. tender, how you would protect this holy place of love.

u. understanding, knowing why their behavior is weird, you scare them. Got right under the wall, next to their heart.

v. vie, there may be others contending for his affection.

w. woo, gently, win their trust, their heart.

x. eXcite, just seeing them is joy.

y. yes, yes, yes.

z. zati, devotee. You are devoted to this one man. 100%.

The couple on the card are made for each other. Mirror each other. Yet, there seems to be something keeping them apart. Some people believe unless love comes easy and just lands in front of you, it's too much trouble. Others believe it's a gift, and you race after it, pursue it, attain it. I have no answer. When I have tried to make it happen, it eludes me. When I give up, and go do something else, it shows up unexpected. I believe it finds you, but there will be challenges, and that just bring out the best or worst in each other. Then you see the lover in a different light, will the fantasy have the strength to become reality? I believe it can. Eternally optimistic...I am...

My Friend, Ralph

I am having coffee, browsing through saved emails, deleting what I no longer need, and come across an email from my friend Ralph. I met him about 2 years ago, while on a visit to the lake, he was just he nicest man, loved being retired by the water, working at the Shrine Club. He was 64, still bitter from a divorce, and had no belief in romance. And falling in love, never again. So, when he would come to Springfield to pick up the supplies for the Shrine Club, he would take me out for lunch. We had animated discussions. He believed in nothing he couldn't see, and I believe in everything I cannot see. We enjoyed out debates! One morning, this summer, I notice the Death notices in the Springfield Newsleader online. I never pull them up. And this morning, I do. First name on the list is Ralph. A sudden death, unexpected, he is gone. I didn't go to his funeral, but later this summer when I was back at the lake, I did go by his final resting place. Standing there, with a beautiful view of the lake, big oak trees shading him, there is a little plaque with his name.

2 fresh yellow roses, lay in the fresh brown earth. I talked to him, just wanted a moment to say goodbye. And was curious about his journey on the other side. We had talked about that, and he believed there was nothing. A big nothing.

This morning, I find an old email, left in my files, from him. I sense he is here, and I ask him, Hey, Ralph, so what do you think about death now? Where are you.....(this may sound strange to people that don't know me, but the ones that pass over, are really hanging out all around us. They give us messages all the time....most go unnoticed. And I talk to them, and most of them let me know they heard me...and like it.)

I draw out 3 cards, the ones posted above, his answer....5 of Swords, Ace of Pentacles, and the Death card. How funny! He wasn't happy with going, was angry and disgruntled. A new place of beauty, (looks like an orb, a glowing ball of golden light, a flowered gateway to a new home, and yes, silly Linda, I am dead.)

So, I lay 2 cards on either side of each original card I drew, to see what else he may say to me....I get these.....Strength, by the 5 of Swords, and the Ace of Wands...After the initial tricky step of getting there, he finds himself standing straight up, strong, proud, more alive than ever, ready for this new journey.... By the Ace of Pentacles, I get the Fool and the Lovers
How sweet. He was foolish to not believe. Believe there was more, and there was so much more. A place he is loved, and is pure love. A place he now understands why he had the lessons he had, even the horrible ones, here. And he loves himself for experiencing every single thing he went through. Now, he sees it from the 'other side', and it all makes wonderful sense. He loves, he laughs.The next group, the Emperor card and the Page of Swords lay beside the Death card. He, the father, is worried about one of his sons. I believe he told me there were 3 sons. Issues with one son, lie unfinished. The bitterness falls on this son like a heavy blanket. He argues with Death, and with Life. Seems Ralph left one son, just like him. Sad, bitter and angry at life, and death. With these cards coming up, he would be telling me....this is something he is still working on, from his new home. In the light, he still is the father, and will hang around this son more than the others. This son still needs him.

This card jumps from the deck, like an final say...Temperance. It's all good. He is well, he is home, he is waiting. He would still like to argue with me, that was pretty entertaining for both of us, but he has this one son to love, (he loves the other 2, but they knew it, and loved him back, so very much.) He has things to do and places he goes, he won't rest until this issue with the son is healed.

We are energy, life, and like Jesus said, there is NO death. We just change. This body is like the car you drive, when you are in it, directing it, steering it, it looks like it's moving, it's alive. When you step out of the car, it is still, lifeless. Just a mode of transportation. Same as the body you wear here. A mode of transportation. When it stops working, you are still here, just without this silly skin suit you wear. Until you come back, get a new body. I think Jesus told them...'Ye must be born again....and again....and again.' Keep doing it till you get it right...

Ralph is still here, as are the friends and loved ones you have. Say hi to them, they'll show you, in some strange way, they heard you. ! Linda